Question?
It has also been an interrogation of my inner femininity and the reflection in that journey. I ended it with a tedious day in town collecting art products for an event and a visit to my Great Confessor. Whose femininity embodies spirituality in ways I hope to one day write about....not to a 20,000 viewed blog of this identity I take. But books that shall assist other souls to heal and inspire others with comfort no doctor or drug am yet to meet has mastered. Fingers crossed.
This blog started in my head as an Eureka during an alone moment in this beautiful morning to a question I have been asked so many times am starting to think it's my last name.
"Are you a man or a woman?" "Boy or a girl?" To those who wish to kill one bird with two insults. I might just have to declare my soul age if they keep tempting me. I digress.
It hit me and heat me to the point of picking my phone to blog, and here we are. My pardons if the flow isn't well polished. We are going throw this together. Yesterday, he asked me to look at a picture of myself shared above and and say what I see. Beautiful, admiration flowed out of me to a person that still looked at all with light and was free of the doubt that got to wash throw me.
It was quickly concluded that that is still me and he moved on to our usual silence. :-) Like in a snap he asks what I know of about the Tana River minutes later. After a quick sentence back he proceeds, "When it is leaving the mountain, it's the Tana, when it is used for irrigation it's the Tana, when it polluted by man and it's dirty and brown, it's the Tana. When it's infested by crocodiles, it's the Tana, when it's trapped in the dam and used to generate electricity, it's the Tana. When it's calm, clear and beautiful, it's the Tana."
That really has something to do with the gender question, bare with me. You see, the greatest and most valuable lesson this lovely year has be the flow and acceptance of all seasons and elements within me. I have learned (cross those fingers again) :-) that, I need to manage to reflect the sun hitting me instead of absorbing it. Wait, that sounds like a threat, no... Lol. I mean, the actual sun does drains me faster than your ordinary person but I don't stand to aggression much either, meaning I have shut down my own fire within that I could translate into creation of other things.
It might just be the next journey. Back to the elements and 16 days of activism. I have been embodying femininity so much and yesterday came the usual mall-guards-search-joke-of-the-day-situation. I have tried a few times to answer the question to friends but when it comes to work I see a clear conflict.
If I am the lesbians activist that is aware of patriarchy and speaks for women. What am I saying when I insist and trust me it's true, I have no problem with whatever you pick to call me. Me, man, woman, gender non conforming, trans as Njeri says. All never bothers me. Why? I have heard them all my whole life.
The Eureka was that with all the flags I was going throw describing different identities within gender expression. I got tired after 45 descriptions and took a nap. If there is that much evolution in identity. Who said my identity has been coined out yet. Or just maybe, am just a human being walking with one less adjective, or maybe I am just a question as I repeatedly enjoy saying.
Or just blessed to navigate genders which is a strength in that that doesn't take away my space as a woman and dyke but just adds to a narrative of labels and the conclusion they shoot at any human being. Maybe the self isn't as simple and politically clear as we wanted to make it. It's a river that flows to many forms and should be shielded from violation within each state.
I fucking love Decembers. Enjoy yours. Shine on.
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